My two Fs/Effs

As you all know, I've been working Fast and Furiously to look Fabulous in 6 months. Not just slightly more Fabulous than my current gorgeousness :-) but DRASTICALLY, NOTICEABLY healthier, in better shape and (most importantly) looking as happy on the outside as I feel on the inside. Its an awesome dream and I'm super psyched to see it come to fruition.
So, I've been teetering with this concept for like 6 months (really, for 23 years if you consider the start of the downward spiral once I hit puberty...good times), but 3 weeks ago I just got really Focused. I'm already a pescatarian (a weak vegetarian that still eats some seafood), and I eat really well 80% of the time. The 20% KILLS me, and I get little to no hard exercise a day. So, 3 weeks ago, I got Focused. I use weight watchers for tracking my intake (though I don’t eat any of the packaged food- loading my body with sodium, high fructose corn syrup, processed food make to look like chicken, but its really made of corn- as is the box- is completely counter-intuitive to being healthier), I have an exercise and activity plan and I've set some pretty serious Fabulosity goals.

Honestly, I want to look like Amy from season 3 of the Biggest Loser... I've been watching her for years and for some reason, I think she ROCKS.

Amy from The Biggest Loser Season 3: Fabulous!

Week 1: I rocked it... Ate really well, reasonable quantities, 95% organic, 95% home cooked. AND... Weekly Goal MORE THAN Realized! Fabulous!

Week 2: Decided that you have to really kick it up in Week 2 (per the Biggest Loser :-) So this is where I added in the exercise goals ... Again, I rocked it... Walked 3 miles a day for 5 days. Ate really well, reasonable quantities, 95% organic, 95% home cooked. AND... Weekly Goal not QUITE realized, but so super close... Still excited! Fabulous!!

Week 3: Week 3 was really tough. If you recall, I was on a 5 day Business Trip with a TON of pressure! Then, the day after I got back. a friend was in town for the weekend. Overall,. I was actually proud of how cautious I was with my food choices, but in the end, it wasn't good enough. I realized I wasn't really as prepared as I thought I was to be away from the safety of my kitchen. Everything cooked in restaurants is loaded with extra garbage. Frustrating. Add to the top of that... I didn’t exercise one time. Yikes! Results? I lost not one pound. EFF!!!!!!!! But, I still take it as a pseudo victory, as I could have gone shit nuts and gained weight. So, I have some making up to do over the next few weeks.

My solution in Week 4, is to ramp up the activity levels! It’s the perfect week to do it, because I’m home ALL week. So, I’m walking a ton AND… finally bit the bullet and joined the Bikram studio. My first class was yesterday, and I had to walk out twice because I nearly puked. Tonight, I made it through… FAB!!! So, at the end of this week, I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope I have a Fabulous victory story for all of you….
(then I need to stress about next week… I’ll be on a biz trip in Miami for 4 days!) EFF!!!!

What Comes Up, Must Come Down

It’s been TOO long, and I know you've all been eagerly anticipating Athena updates... It’s been a helluva week for Athena.... I kicked it off with a 4 day biz trip to chilly Denver for the major preso with the VP and other important peeps.

Yes, I am a seasoned professional and use words such as: biz, preso, and peeps to refer to my most pressing business matters.

I've been traveling a lot for work, which usually doesn't bother me; however, since I moved to Hades, I no longer have the benefit of an airport "hub" so I always have to connect to every city I go to. This makes for a lot of time in the airport and on the plane. How does one entertain themselves when in an airport for hours on end? By judging others....

The woman on the left's t-shirt says: 

If at first you dont success, drink some beer and smoke some weed. 

Classy!  Little did she know, I was going to take her advice if my preso didn't go well.

So, after a 7 hour plane ride (with connections) out to chilly Denver, I settled in to my hotel room and worked it. Finished up the details, met with important peeps, and I was SO NERVOUS that I didn’t sleep for 2 days. I knew the DBB was using this as my last "test" for my promotion, and more importantly, I like to be an overachiever and the pressure was on. Long story short, rocked the preso and got a phone call 4 hours later that my fauxmotion is faux no more. S-WEETT!!!


I was on a high… what I didn’t mention earlier was that this was my first biz trip since my big plan of fabulosity came about, so I was really nervous that I wouldn’t lose any weight this week or (gasp!) gain some. All that I am going to say on the subject is that I really did the best I could, but I wasn’t prepared for the ‘eating out’ nonsense. Seriously, restaurants feed us garbage on a stick now… I digress.

I was on a high… I was not really anticipating my flight back to Hades (again with the connections) but I was in a pretty good mood! I am Athena, hear me ROAR! I can conquer ANYTHING! I can…. Fall flat on my ass in an airport full of people!!! In my defense, there was an absolutely gargantuan puddle of water on a marble airport floor. ANYONE would slip on it! Of course, not anyone did, that responsibility was placed only on me. As the sole of my flip flop swiftly peeled out from under me, I channel my inner Yoda, and as I have done the 487 times in the past where I’ve fallen down, up, sideways or upside down in public places, I landed with grace and dignity.

Even I was impressed by the 1. Lack of pain 2. Melodious movements of a woman caught off guard. I actually received compliments from the travelers around me as they scurried over to help. “Do you need help?” “I saw the whole thing happen, how did you land so gracefully?” I smiled. I looked up calmly and stated “It’s not my first time. I’m a professional clutz.”

I took this picture from WAY FAR AWAY!  I didn't want any of my witnesses to spot me.

It took me 9 hours to get back to Hades. 9 freaking hours. I could have flown to PARIS in the time it took me to get back. Why? Because after I had already connected from Denver to Detroit, Delta decided to list their Detroit-Hades connection as a non-stop, when it was really a layover. So, after my wipe out at the Denver airport, then 9 hour flight with not one, but TWO connections, I realized I was completely wrong about my fall not hurting. OUCH!

To top it all off, my sweet angel love-child, Cerberus, decided to personally thank me for leaving him at doggie-daycare for 4 days by clawing through my chest in an attempt to rip my heart out and gnaw it to death.

Sorry for the boob shot, but hey, thats what happens when you are trying to avoid your face (and I was like "shit, my boobs looks GOOD in this picture!!)

Fauxmoted no more

Victory is mine....

Woot Woot to 4!

I have 4 followers! (ok, one of them is "me" but that’s because I didn’t know what I was doing when I clicked on it).

I love followers! I wish I had some clever posting for today, as a reward for being such loyal peeps... Grrrrrr, I'm working on this stupid presentation for work, which has sucked my soul dry of any ability to entertain... Ewww, well, I do have this little nugget.
_______________________________________________
I signed up to get massages at Massage Envy, which is a total sucker job, but I'm a sucker for relaxation. My first massage was today, and I had to fill out a survey for them. There were some questions on parts of your body that you don’t feel comfortable with them massaging. The only area that I preferred they not massage was my pectoral muscles. Seems exceptionally reasonable to me, and I actually assumed that that question was really directed more toward the male clientele, but I answered it anyway.

I met my masseuse, and he was very professional. He verbally reviewed my survey with me.

Masseuse: "Ok, Miss Athena, you don’t feel comfortable with me massaging your pectoral muscles?"
Athena: "Ummmmmm.... Is that question really for men AND women?"
Masseuse: "Yes. We can massage your pectoral muscles if you are comfortable with that."
Athena: "Well, we just met and you didn’t even take me to dinner yet, so unless you have a bottle of tequila hiding underneath that robe, I think my 'girls' are going home solo today."

The massage rocked, btw.

The Good Eggs

This has been a particularly yuck week for me on the emotional front.... Yesterday, I went to see my fantastic therapist, The Oracle.  She is so insightful, and without being too obvious, always gets the "upside" of things stuck in my brain. I think she called it Cognitive Therapy... when you think a certain way, your actions follow.  I love drama (GASP!! Its shocking, I know!) so sometimes in my brain I catastrophize (sp?) things and thats what leads to depression and the downward spiral.  I haven't had a downward spiral in a long time. 

So, whats on my mind now?  The upside of the Herm Hole.  I'm not in the mood to dwell, but there are a few moments in your life that are so impactful that when you think back at them, you remember every detail.  Your emotions, how the room smelled, the feel of the cold leather couch on the back of your leg.   I have a particularly impactful moment that IS what it IS.   We'll have to take a little trip down memory lane again.

 

It was 4 days before my 31st birthday, 11 months into a miserable marriage to He Who Shall Not Be Named.  I was past the point of caring and we were arguing non-stop day in and day out.  Lets skip all the juicy stuff, and fast forward post-SMACKDOWN... I was shamefully dropped off at our house (he had fled to his parents with the dogs) by a police cruiser, who sat outside to make sure HWSNBN didnt return. As I walked up the steps, the officer told me that I needed to call a friend and stay somewhere else that night.  The police may not be able to sit in front of the house all day.  I said "ok" and walked inside.  It was quiet in a house that was never quiet.  No dogs. No screaming husband.  No TV. No chaos.  JUST ME and the decision I had to make.  My mind was literally blank, still shocked by what had just happened.  All I knew was, "I have to leave him now, there's no way I could stay." and I also knew that I had to call a friend and not stay at home that night.  THIS IS THE MOMENT.  I remember every feeling, smell, sensation and emotion of it.  I sat on that couch with the phone in my hand and did not have a single person I could call.  I was completely alone.  Every driend I had made in the past 31 eyars lived no more than 30 minutes away, and yet, I had moved each and every one of them out of my life by staying with HWSNBN for 4+ miserable years.  All of hte firends were still "there" but they weren't THERE.  I scrolled through my phone, and with each of my "best friends" I had a reason not to call them. 

• I can't call THAT ONE, she is so scared of HWSNBN that she doesn't want to get involved.  She feared for her families life.

• I can't call Nyx, becuase she works for HWSNBN... great, I just put my own sister out of a job

 And on it went. Eventually, I called Hermes... he ALSO worked for HWSNBN but I knew he would be there, I knew he wouldn't tell, and I knew he was the only person that actually sat me down prior to the wedding and said "Are you crazy?  Do not marry him."

Hermes dropped me off at my empty condo that I still owned and had rented for years.  I stated there for a few days until the restraining order was final and HWSNBN couldn't step foot in our little city.

Hermes was a good egg, and I actually think he still is.  I just wish he hadn't just been such a bad egg to me. What I remember from that moment of sitting on my couch was this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  I had lost everyone that was dear to me, and rightfully so.  I hadn't been a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, to any of them.  I was so wrapped up in my own chaotic nightmare that I treated them like garbage....  Sounds like a pretty sad story, especially considering that this posting is supposed to be about the "up" side! 

Well, there is an upside.   I had some people in my life that absolutely surprised me... I re-discovered some really GOOD EGGS.  Friends took me in, gave me a place to stay, gave me jobs, consoled me, encouraged me, listened to me cry... Some of these friends were so compassionate and giving, and to this day have no idea (despite me telling them) that they saved my life.  They made it easier for me to stay gone from him.  Hemera and Hera are sisters and we've been friends since I was 3.  Hemera let me live with her for 4 months, asking for NOTHING in return.  Hera had me come work for her, helping her after her second child was born.  Between the income from Hera and the housing from Hemera, these two pretty much sustained me.  They are very very good eggs.

Then comes Nyx, my sister... the one who I unknowingly pulled into the chaos with HWSNBN'd by getting her involved in working there, just to leave him in chaos causing her massive discomfort and unemployment.  Nyx and I never had much in common, but she is the most loyal and dependable person I know.  She packed and moved me out of my house, she drove my moving truck to Hades, she unpacked and moved me into my rental in Hades.  She is always there for me, no matter what.  She is a very very good egg.

So, when I look back at this week and the Herm hole, and think about what the upside could POSSIBLY be to the sadness I feel, I know that the upside is that 2 short years ago, I didnt have a friend to lose... NOW, every person that I allow close to me is "worth it." 

Even in Hades, Atalanta is my best bestie here, and she came out of NOWHERE.  She reminds me of my sister, Nyx, becuase every time I've called her and needed her, she's been there.  EVERY TIME.  She hasn't even known me for that long.   On tuesday, during my shit storm, she drove to Hades and sat on curb with me and drank a cup of coffee.  Talk about a good effing egg.  I needed that so badly.

Much longer post than I had intended, but I have a lot to say about my good eggs.... 

Kicking and Screaming

I must now drag myself outside, kicking and screaming,to walk my 3 miles today.  Stupid crappy "emotional" days on Tuesday and Wednesday used up ALL of my "off" days for the week.

My motivation levels are SO low, that I spent 20 minutes making this clever gauge.  Srsly.

The Yang for my Yin

Today was clearly a reward for my attempt at optimism yesterday. My sad, pathetic, impossibly attainable attempt at optimism.   Today was the Yang for yesterday's Yin...   it also reminded me of one of my new theories about life (not really a motto, just a good thing to think about when I'm sad, and want to drive myself off a cliff into shark infested waters). Discomfort initiates change... and sometimes change is good.

Yesterday was FULL of discomfort.  Car dead... power out... raging hole in my soul over Herm's gut wrenching cruelty... If my car didn't die, I wouldn't have tracked down my fleet manager and found out that my company car had been sitting on a car lot in Hades, waiting to be picked up. My new FREE car is awesome!  It's NEW, it's FREE,  fuel and maintenance are PAID FOR... it has Sirius radio!  It smells AWESOME.  I could not have asked for a better FREE car... I love it when my theories are right!

Now... what is the upside of the "Herm Hole" aka the sad spot in my heart because of Herm's meanniness... I'm not sure about that one yet.

When it rains, it pours like a mother effer

BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST.  SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM, CLICK THROUGH THE AUDIO PLAYER AND PUT ON JOHNNY NASH. 

I dont even know where to start with today.  I woke up still pretty stunned over last night's SHOCKING situation with Hermes.  I also realized that today was the first day in a long time where I wasn't drowning in conference calls.  I decided to be optimistic and not get too sad over Herm... Ok, I cried really hard for like 30 mintues, but only once...

Unbeknownst to me, it started to rain. Not rain from the sky, but emotional cosmic rain from the Gods of "I'm going to ruin your effing life one moment at a time."  I really didn't see it coming.

Unaware of the shit storm brewing over my head, I made my way to Starbucks and ordered my favorite bevey, while gleefully explaining my empowered and positive mental state to my sister, Demeter... Hop back in the car, turn the key... and NOTHING. Not a peep.  Not a beep.  Just a slight ROLL BACK onto the edge of the little parking lot.   FML.  Shit storm is brewing... Fortunately, I had a friend available to try to resuscitate the car, and after that failure, drive me home.  Sometimes friends are good umbrellas during shit storms.

I was still somewhat optimistic.  I knew this crappy car was on its last leg, and it COULD have been worse!  It died at Starbucks, my place of salvation...

As my friend drops me off, I call Demeter again.  I'm FINE.  I can HANDLE this!  I'm AWESOME!  I am so glad my therapy is WORKING....

WAIT!!!!  Why is my laptop dead?  Actually, why do NONE of my lights come on?  FML.... SHIT STORM STILL BREWING...  My power is cut off.  Why? Because I am a dumb ass and didnt pay my bill for 2.5 months!  WHAT ADULT DOES THAT?!???!:??   Now that my power bill is $400 (no lie, 400 EFFING DOLLARS) I cant pay it until FRIDAY. 

I spent the remainder of the afternoon at the coffee shop - NOT Starbucks-- (which I walked to, of course, because I dont have an effing car) just to charge up my laptop and phone....

I now sit here BLOGging by candlelight.  It seems so romantic, but dont be fooled.

EFF THIS EFFING DAY.... 

My heart is broken

Tonight was a really tough night.  Really tough.  I've written about my friendship with the boy bestie, Hermes, and I'm really sad to say that our friendship has come to an end. 

Long story VERY short, we were texting back and forth about wrestling (it IS Monday night) and I misunderstood one of his texts when he said "no one ever listens to him."  I thought he was referring to this wrestling guy being on TV tonight (and not a serious "issue") and joked around for him to "stop the pity party."

Clearly he was serious, and before I was offered an opportunity to apologize he responded with a statement that he has put up with my pity party since he's known me and told me to Fuck Off.  I didnt know what to do.  Do I even apologize for what I said?  After that?  I decided to clear up my stuff, explained how I could have misunderstood him, and apologized.   Then I would be done.  Even after I clarified that I clearly completely misunderstood, he replied with "at least I was paid to listen to HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED's shit."  (fyi, he used to work HWSNBN and listened to a lot of his shit.)  Being compared to HWSNBN is disgusting.

Ouch.  Double Ouch.  Probably even a triple ouch.  Of all of people in this world, Hermes, being at the office afterhours, etc. was one few people that saw and heard how HWSNBN spoke to me and treated me, I really felt like Hermes was the only one who came close to understanding even a shred of what I suffered through. 

I can only think of a few other statements that would be so cruel.

So, despite the fact that I'm sure he was drunk,  he's never intentionally been mean to me before, and obviously something very painful is going on in his life, its time to call it quits. I am a forgiving person, but this one just cut too deep and was too intentional.  I'm not perfect, but I if I am intentionally cruel to you, then I don't deserve your friendship either.

My heart is broken.

Namaste

I'm trying to motivate myself to join a new yoga studio.  I can walk to the studio from my house, and they offer beginner Bikram classes every night at 6:00 pm... Also, its a boutique studio and not a "gym" studio and they offer a New Student 10 days for $10 trial.  Again, awesome, considering my massive goals for fabulosity for the next 6 months START WITH being super focused over the next few weeks.  If I can see some fast results, it will keep me moving forward.  This isn't my first stint with yoga, and I actually really like it.  Plus, I think it makes you better in bed, but considering my lack of bed companions, this is more of a long term goal.

Of course, as I'm scrolling through photos from my NEW YOGA studio, I am making up all of these excuses as to why I want to walk ALONE vs. committing to a room full of people...

I always make up stupid excuses but these are very real!

Excuse #1:  What if I can't cut it and a room full of people see me fail!!

 

Excuse #2: What if I am in WAY over my head????

 

Excuse #3: What if I get frightened????

I'll report back after tomorrow's class. Pray for me.

Not so pretty things...

I love pretty things!  I love organized things, too!  I used to say that I love "expensive" things, but that was years ago.  I'm proud to have grown up quite a bit since my younger, snottier days.  I do love pretty things, though, and I find a lot of joy in making things look pretty, particularly my home (whether it be owned or rented).  I guess you could say I'm a DIYer, but it started out that way out of necessity, not desire.  When I moved into my condo at 24, I had grand visions, but not a grand wallet.  I updated and renovated and learned along the way. Now I'm too stingy to pay someone to...oh.... paint my kitchen. Really I'm just a fool.

Now 8 years later, I'm re-doing my kitchen in my rental house in Hades.  WHY I would put time effort and money into a shotgun rental house is beyond most people, but I enjoy it becuase I want it to look pretty. For no one else but for myself.

So, on top of the growing To Do list for work, I am rapidly increasing my To Do list for home.  Last week I decided that even though there isn't anywhere that offers recycling services in Hades, I couldn't stand throwing away bags of garbage every week.  I'll collect my recyclables and drive the hour and a half to the next city every week to drop off the recycling. Today's side track home project was figuring out how to organize my recyclables in my tiny mud room/pantry/only hallway area/storage room/entry into the backyard without spending any money... Not one penny.. The result isn't pretty, but its organized... Oh well...

Oh yes, and I DO drink enough wine on my own to constitute a bag for "Bottles"

...is for wine

Wine is my word of the night.  You know what else is?  WINNER! or We are awesome or Women rock

Whatever works for you, works for me.  This is our year.  Make it happen. A= Accountability W= Winner, Women, and Wine... put it together???

AWWW

you can do it

... is for accountability

Accountability is my word of the week.  It may be my word of the year.

First with work, and shifting the mentality of my already AWESOME team (or feam... a faux team?  I'm still working under a fauxmotion, right?)  Whatevs. 

Second, with my new goals for being fit and fab in 6 months.  Seriously?  6 months?  Yes.  It can be done, it will be done.  So far (on day 2 :-)  I'm off to a good start.

I'm off to SUCH a good start that I reserved 10 points from weight watchers today so I can drink 3 full glasses of wine tonight.  Ha!!! The non-accountable Athena  would have gotten a large margarita and planted it on the couch... I have a plan.  Anyway, I need the wine to recover from this grueling week of work (past few weeks really).  Its cool, though.  The DBB is less of a DB and more of a B.   Works for me...

Let me just say... Have you ever met someone who never takes responsibility for their actions?  They are usually a screwed up, unhappy, lost soul.  Have you ever met anyone who always takes reponsibility for their actions??? They are usually solid, stable, responsible and HAPPY.  ACCOUNTABILITY... I think the big A is a big one here. 

Too busy to be thin?

Too busy, too lazy, or too fearful of defeat...   No matter WHAT the reason is, I need to get ON IT.  A few months ago I had what I thought was a breakthrough, and I was so motivated to lose weight.  How much have I lost?  A total of (now 6 pounds)

Considering the summer is coming up, I have Themis' wedding in November, and my "SUPER AWESOME EXCITING NEWS" coming up as well, I need immediate action.

I joined weight watchers online (again) today.  I loved it last time becaue it gives me the tracking and guidance I need to know I'm on target.  Also, I can drink :-) within moderation.

So, fingers and toes are crossed that I can pull it through.

Nothing says "I heart Jesus" like a bucket of paint

Happy Easter!!!  Ok, that's ALL of the enthusiasm you'll get from me right now. I had a rather exhausting 3 day ride home from Phoenix last week, where I quickly came to the conclusion that Herm and I may be travel incompatible.  Examples?  Hmmmm.  For one, instead of blasting the fully functional A/C in his new ride, Hermes prefers to roll the windows down, turn off the A/C, and drive through Arizona, New Mexico and EBF Texas through blazing hot sun, sweating his balls off. Fortunately (in many ways), I am a woman  and don't have balls to sweat off, so I thought that with my 3-day long moving SAUNA throughout the Southwestern US I would have sweated out a dress size or two... nah... I got dehydrated and retained water.  

Screw you, moving sauna. 

It wasn't all miserable, though.  I managed to annoy the daylights out of poor Herm as I talked on conference calls, typed on my computer and let out exasperated work-related sighs throughout the day.  By the time we hit Houston, Herm BOLTED for a little alone time. 

The drive was actually really pretty (when I picked my head up from my laptop and took a look).  See that little tree next to that wind mill thing? I think that's cool.

So, I'm back in Hades and working like a mad woman.  You may have noticed that there haven't been many DBB blog posts lately.  Why?  Because I effing rock and have spent the last month working like crazy and doing everythign in my power to get the DBB's focus OFF of my and my team, and ONTO one of my poor, unfortunate peers.  My team and I are shoved so far up the DBBs ass that we reside somewhere near his heart (if he has one)...So, overall it worked!  He's singing our praises and destroying the life of one of my co-workers.  Poor fella.

I love holidays, its the sentimental Aphrodite in me.  So, knowing that I would be without my family for Easter (year two) I decided to occupy my time with a little crafty project... Hmm, this seems like a good time to re-paint my (rental) kitchen.  All weekend I've been cutting in, rolling, dripping, cursing, moving ladders, smelling like wildebeast... Today, on Easter day, I vaccummed a wet paint drop with my new shiny Dyson, and out of my mouth came words that JC would not have been too happy to hear.  I apologized.  He forgave. 

Oh, and I cried 3 times this weekend thinking about the big news in my "I'm So Excited" post.  Cried tears of absolute joy. If you know me and love me, it will make you cry, too.  Cry or pee your pants (or both).

I'm off to get in a few hours of work before the Monday morning mayhem begins, sip on a glass of wine and maybe slide in an episode of "I Survived" (Bio Channel).  Awesome show, and comes in handy when your ex-husband is a raging sociopath. 

Peace and Happy Easter.