I'm so excited, that I just can't hide it!

I cant tell you why, but some day this will all make sense.

In the words of Johnny Nash....

I can see clearly now, the pain is gone... An appropriate song for today, and one of my favorites, so I added it to my blog playlist. 

Why is it appropriate for today? He Who Shall Not Be Named was up to his old tricks again, just out of the blue.   I prefer not to deal with or speak with HWSNBN, but everyone once in a while Satan decides to poke his head out of Hell, put on some sheeps clothing and see what he can get away with.  Today was one of those days.

A month after I moved to Hades, I visited a street psychic when one of my Karmarific girlfriends was in town.  I said nothing.  I sat down.  Surprisingly, the psychic was instantly very serious with me.  She knew I was running away to get a new start.  She very clearly told me...

DO NOT LOOK BACK.  What is in the past is evil and it casts an illusion to trick you.She then told me I may need to "run (away) faster."

(oh, and my soul mate is a red-headed country boy.  I should blog about my psychic experience)

Back to HWSNBN... THIS TIME,  I could see the illusion coming and where I used to fall victim to his perfected sociopathic manipulation, I actaully SAW it this time.  Clear as a BELL.  I know its been a year and a half since I left him, but even a year ago I would have been fooled, felt guilty, felt sad, missed him, missed my life, thought "what if?"  Not today.  THERAPY ROCKS.

Jagged Little Pill

In the words of my mother... Good Lord!  I'm working like a mad lady until all hours of the night, desperately trying to clear my workload enough to enjoy my Thelma & Louise time!

This is a short little blog entry, since its the middle of the night, but the sisters will appreciate this one.  In my purse, I have a little pill box of EITHER Xanex for panic attacks or a prescription diuretic because I have issues.  I was in full panic attack mode about an hour ago, and took a Xanex... except I THINK its a pee pill.  I never take either one any more so I cant remember which one I put in the pill box. 

Hmmmmm... I haven't calmed down but I've been REALLY thirsty.  No biggie, a little less water retention sure as hell wouldn't kill me, but I DO remember a time when I took one of these pills at Demeter's house and managed to WET THE BED in the night. Her husband shamefully reminds me of this embarressing episode quite often.

So, sweet dreams, and for the hotel maid's sake, lets hope I took the Xanex.

Good morning Sunshine!!

Ahhh, Monday morning!  It should be a fantastic week. Busy, but fantastic... Im up early to go see the Oracle, the DBB is out of pocket for business ALL week, I'm starting my westward trek tomorrow... And Cerberus (the Serious) is taking a 10 day vacation with his Maw Maw...

What could ruin this peaceful time?

An 8:00 am text message and subsequent PHONE CALL (which is now rare) from He Who Shall Not Be Named about why he hasn't started to pay 2007 state or federal taxes, the resulting tax penalty, and who's fault is it (the IRS, not mine!  SHOCKER!).  I prefer never to hear his voice again.
Nothing like the refreshing taste of regret and vomit in my mouth to start the week off right.

My Born Again Virgin Epiphany

Warning: I tried to construct this blog entry with some sense of order or reason, but there's no use.  Total stream of consciousness, and I went back and deleted ALL apostrophes just to piss off Nyx.  Oh, and if you dont want to hear about my sex life (or lack there-of) you can skip this one.

I was shocked to learn recently, that the standard deadline for being considered a "Born Again Virgin" is now at ONE YEAR.   I blame our overly sexualized media, but who cares whos fault this is....   WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE!!  I'm 32 years old and have loved sex since the first time I did it. I like good sex, bad sex, all sex... OK, that's not true.  Not all sex... I love all sex that is legal in ALL 48 of the contiguous states.  If you dont know what Im talking about, Im not saying anything more than "Ouch," you can figure it out. AND... I eventually hated sex with He Who Shall Not Be Named and decided to forego bikini waxes for an entire year just to gross him out enough to not want to have sex with me either.  Thats ok, because he found plenty of other people to have sex with, Im sure. Whatever, he was the most selfish lover Ive ever had.  5 years and I didnt have a single orgasm.  Seriously?  Not One? Sorry, dude, but it takes longer than 72 seconds for me to have an orgasm and a little bit of foreplay wouldnt have killed you either, you selfish piece of shit.  Hmmm, Im going off topic again. 

Back to the point, I dont want to be a virgin again!

 If you're a born again virgin, do you cry after the (second) first time?  Just wondering..

You know Demeter, the Super-Catholic is just REELING right about now, but hey, you want access to the blog, lady, then you keep your judgements to yourself.

Immediate action is required.... But Im not really in my 20s anymore and am looking for something a lot more meaningful.  Hmmmm, I need a boyfriend.  I need a GREAT boyfriend.  I need a boyfriend that worships the ground I walk on.  I need a boyfriend that always puts me first... These guys are out there, but they are hard to find.  You know where you CANT find them?  On your couch with your dog, Cerberus, watching design shows.  You have to put yourself out there, expose yourself to potential rejection... Yuck. I have a much better time finding a broken soul of a man that I think I can help or save.  Taking him into my life, falling in love with him, putting up with his BS, in one case MARRYING HIM, then leaving broken hearted.  That sux.  I dont want to do that anymore.  Honestly, Ive pushed myself away from the reality of dating so much, that I can visualize myself with someone in a dream world, but not in reality. Its not that i dont think I deserve it, because I truly know what a fantastic person I am, but I just dont think its possible.  THAT STATEMENT SCARES ME.  It scares my awesome therapist, the Oracle, as well.

I think this is where Aphrodite screwed me over, I misunderstood what she was saying... I always thought good-love was a guarantee to happen some time.  Its not.  Totally awesome people dont find good-love because they let their issues get in the way. I also dont want to be bitter and alone, that sure as Hell isnt me. I want to be Aphrodite the right way. 

Now the whole weight issue comes back into play, I dont really have the self-esteem right now to get myself a great man... trust me, its more the self-esteem than it is the appearance. The old cliche "no one will love you until you love yourself" BS is rediculously true. I hate it when everything I want to do in life comes down to one simple fucking action and/or explanation and YET I cant bring myself to do it. Lose the stupid weight, Athena. Its always been masking every issue you have, thats why its there. Dont half-ass it like you're doing now, do it all the way.

So, I take this as a challenge. Ive always done better with difficult challenges when I had a goal and/or deadline.  I dont want Themis' wedding to be a deadline, that has resulted in devastating results in the past (see post: the bridesmaid dress debacle).  I just need to keep this top of mind.  I think about it, then push it back down.  It needs to stay a focus.  A TOP focus.  I cant let issues with the DBB, work, etc let me lose focus.

BTW, Im not losing weight to get laid, thats just how I came to this random thought... and I should hope I get a little lovin' before Ive lost all the weight, too.  Seriously, a girl has needs.


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Burning Down My Family Tree

My oh so darling middle sister, Medusa, decided to take on the task of researching our family tree... she had the nerve to send out a chart of all of the relatives she so diligently tracked... along with their marital status, spouses and children listed.  (pause for the vomit coming up in my mouth) there he was... He who shall not be named.. and our marriage date... then a discreet (div) next to it.

DIV?  That's all I get for putting up with this piece of garbage and finally leaving him?  A discreet little (div)?   There are other 3 letter words that I think would be more appropriate... how about (ASS) or (Vile Creature of the Night Who Should Die of Gonnorhea and ROT IN HELL)... Hmmm, thats a little more than 3 letters..

Let it be known, that I think that divorces where children were not involved and evil trolls were spouses should be expunged from the records... Make it happen, Medusa.

Go West, young man!

Or young Athena... or not so young Athena...

So, I'm preparing for a roadtrip at the end of the month, heading west to Phoenix to watch Wrestlemania with the boy bestie, Hermes.  We'll discuss my bizarre interest in Wrestlemania in another post.  Typically, I would fly to any city over an 8 hour drive, but this trip is REALLY important to Hermes, and he has this whole Into the Wild mentality about it.  So the plan was for me to meet up with him in his city, drive 2 days out to Phoenix, do the Wrestlemania thing, and drive 2 days back.  Did I mention that Hermes forgets that I'm not a dude?  Fortunately, I've altered the plan a bit by scheduling a business trip in El Paso leading up to the big weekend, so I am skipping 1 day of the drive out.

I'm actually pretty excited for this road trip... I've been having visions of a very Thelma & Louise drive through the southwest.  Ok, minus the "murdering a man, fleeing the police, and driving off a cliff" part. UNFORTUNATELY, minus the "having sex with Brad Pitt in a Wild Turkey induced fit".  But JUST IN CASE that opportunity presents itself and we run into Brad Pitt's real-life counterpart, I'm definitely Thelma.  Hermes can be Louise.  Did I mention that I forget that Hermes IS a dude?  I kinda pissed him off last night when I told him of my Thelma & Louise visions, told him he was Louise and that I wanted to be able to listen to Pink and Indigo Girls on the drive out there. He laid down the hammer (pitched a girly fit) so I decided to tell him it was a big joke and that I can't wait to dial up the testosterone to 11 for this man-trip. I do wish we had a convertible for the drive, though.

In reality, I've decided to handle this the best way I know how... subtely manipulate the situation and get what I want (sorry, Hermes).   SO, I'm so super excited and REALLY want to buy a cowboy hat for the drive out... I also want to pick up turquoise jewelry while I'm out there.  Preferably from a flea market or a Native American street vendor  I want it to feel authentic, even if its made in China, they just need to lie to me. I may even get a pair of cowboy boots... and am stocking up on mini-bottles of Wild Turkey.

The Bridesmaid Dress Debacle

My ongoing struggle with my weight is rearing its ugly, bloated head... One of my best girlfriends, Themis, is getting married, and I adore the guy.  I adore my friend, too.  She's one of those girls you can tell anything to, and she won't judge, she won't hold it against you, she's just there for you no matter how stupid your decisions are.... with all of the stupid decisions I've made in my life, I'm sure she's felt that being my friend is a full-time job.
The point is, I'm happy for her.  I'm even more happy to stand up there in her wedding party as a bridesmaid.  So, here comes the tricky part.... I have bridesmaid dress issues with EVERY wedding I've ever been part of.  From my oldest sister's wedding 12 years ago, to my own (ill-fated) wedding just a few years ago.  Special occasions and special occasion dresses have brought me nothing but panic, misery and panic.

Here's a fun story.... lets take a trip down memory lane....

5 years ago my bestie married the love of her life at a beautiful beach wedding.  She had only 2 bridesmaids, myself and her sister.  My bestie has probably never worn more than a size 4 in her life, so she selected these cute bridesmaid dresses from J. Crew.  J.Crew is not overwhelmingly friendly to the non-anorexic.  But let's be honest here,  I had plenty of time to prepare and lose a few pounds to ensure that I would fit into the dang thing, but I didn't.  I procrastinated, and when I got the dress I realized that J. Crew's largest size (a 16) was like no other 16 I had ever seen.  I COULD NOT GET THE DRESS TO ZIP UP... as in NO WHERE CLOSE.  To make it worse, it's a destination wedding in Florida.  I have no resources in Florida and less than 72 hours to get an impossibly small dress onto my impossibly bloated body.  Seriously, Athena?  You suck. 

THIS is what J. Crew thinks the dress should look like (or the closest modern day version)

So, as I'm driving down to Florida 3 days before the wedding, chain smoking cigarettes and having panic attacks, I'm calling every dry cleaner with alterations that I can possibly 411.  10 minutes before 6:00pm, I pull into this rinky dink alterations place where this little Korean woman strips me down and sucks the sausage skin dress onto my body.  She snapped at me to stop crying so I didn't stain the dress, then asked me why I didn't lose the weight or why I didn't have it altered weeks ago.  How am I supposed to answer that?

"I'm a glutten for punishment and drama. you cruel, sadistic woman....IT'S WHAT I DO BEST!!!"

I leave the alterations place, with NO assurance from my Sadistic Alterations Czar that she would be able to take the dress out enough that I would even be able to zip it up to get down the aisle.  Panic. Tears. Panic.  Plan B.   I call my mom and Themis, both of whom are waiting at the hotel for me, and 'fess up... I need reenforcements.  Mom's recommendation? Tell the skinny bestie bride that I'm an irresponsible fatty and have been lying to her that I've tried on the dress and it looks "SO SUPER CUTE" and find another dress.  I don't take mom's advice, honesty at a moment like this would be CRAZY.  (it may have also been humiliating, but I would never admit that.  Instead, I convince myself that she needs to focus on her wedding and her day and my fat girl issues are my own problem.  I don't need to burden her).  So, I go on an intensive 72 hour, all water, all watermelon, all cigarette, all coffee diet, with the assistance of water retention pills.  I chugged and chugged and chugged the water up until the last day.  I must have peed every 45 minutes for 3 days straight.  Seriously, no effing around here. I don't think I ate a bite at the rehearsal dinner. 

The wedding day comes and it's time to pick up the dress from the Sadistic Alterations Czar and I am nearly hyperventilating.  I arrive.  I get naked.  I put on my Spanx (one size too small, just for some extra suckage) and put on the dress.  The.... zipper........ ZIPS UP.  I cannot breathe.  I cannot move.  I sure as Hell cannot sit.  But the damn dress is physically on my body and its just ever so slightly not obscene. 

As I depart from the Glorious Alterations Genius' quaint little shop, I leave her a rediculous tip and a big hug.  Little did she know, my plan C was to drive my car into a ditch conveniently hospitalizing myself for the ceremony, and miraculously recovering in time for the reception. Selfish, but necessary. I return to the hotel suite, with mom and Themis eagerly waiting for me.  I get my hair done, I get my makeup done, and then, with the help of mom, Themis and my Spanx, I get into the dress and zip that bitch up. I stood stick straight for pictures, walking down the aisle and through the ceremony.  No doubt, I looked like a stuffed sausage with a metal rod up my ass, but I made it through.  For the reception, my awesome mom whipped out an ivory pashmina and I was able to dance, smile and (finally) eat.  Sometime after the 4th glass of wine, the zipper busted open from crack to back, but who cares... it was under the pashmina...

At the end of the evening, mom and Themis had to peel the dress off of me and rip the zipper from its threading.  I had 2 bruises from where the dress was too tight.  I swore.... THIS IS IT.  THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM.  NEVER AGAIN.

Let's fast forward 5 years to today, where I would give my right leg to be anywhere near fitting into that dress again. I don't think I could put it on my right toe.  Oh, I saved the dress.  The moment was so incredibly humiliating... look at that busted out zipper...

I thought it would be such a victorious feeling to put that dress on over my skinny body and have it fall off of me... I'm still waiting on that victory.. So, I'm back in the boat, with 7 months before Themis's wedding... and I feel that feeling again... the panic.


How good would it feel to have a respectable size dress on with a respectable body?  More importantly, why can't I get over myself and just lose the weight already. 

I've hated my body for 22 years.  Isn't that long enough?

I need stronger Cabbage!!!!!

There is a tradition in Hades, where you hang a piece of fresh cabbage over each interior entrance of your home on New Year's Day, and leave it up for the entire year. This is supposed to bring you a year of financial prosperity! Awesome! I love financial prosperity! My cabbage has been hanging (and wilting) since 1/1/10.

As part of my employment compensation, I am eligible for an annual bonus of 10% of my salary.  "Eligible" does not equal "entitled to".  I know this; however, for the first half of the year we hit over 100% of our bonus requirements (wahoo!) so when the company waited and waited and waited to tell us what our second year payout contribution would be.. and I mean waited until 5 days before the payout... .I became concerned.  Unfortunately, for good reason.  23% of bonus for 2H.  23% Dont you think that it's possible that the Board over estimated our goals in order for us to fail so miserably?  So, my plans of buying a new PC, paying off a credit card and funding my super fun trip with the boy bestie, Hermes, later this month are pretty much smashed.I went to Sam's Club tonight to spend some bonus cash.


Here's what I was GOING TO buy with my bonus.                         

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..and what I could actually afford.....

Credit cards may not be paid off, I'll suffer through another 6 months without a decent PC... but the trip to Phoenix is still ON... and I'm drinking the wine which dulls my disappointment!