My Born Again Virgin Epiphany

Warning: I tried to construct this blog entry with some sense of order or reason, but there's no use.  Total stream of consciousness, and I went back and deleted ALL apostrophes just to piss off Nyx.  Oh, and if you dont want to hear about my sex life (or lack there-of) you can skip this one.

I was shocked to learn recently, that the standard deadline for being considered a "Born Again Virgin" is now at ONE YEAR.   I blame our overly sexualized media, but who cares whos fault this is....   WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE!!  I'm 32 years old and have loved sex since the first time I did it. I like good sex, bad sex, all sex... OK, that's not true.  Not all sex... I love all sex that is legal in ALL 48 of the contiguous states.  If you dont know what Im talking about, Im not saying anything more than "Ouch," you can figure it out. AND... I eventually hated sex with He Who Shall Not Be Named and decided to forego bikini waxes for an entire year just to gross him out enough to not want to have sex with me either.  Thats ok, because he found plenty of other people to have sex with, Im sure. Whatever, he was the most selfish lover Ive ever had.  5 years and I didnt have a single orgasm.  Seriously?  Not One? Sorry, dude, but it takes longer than 72 seconds for me to have an orgasm and a little bit of foreplay wouldnt have killed you either, you selfish piece of shit.  Hmmm, Im going off topic again. 

Back to the point, I dont want to be a virgin again!

 If you're a born again virgin, do you cry after the (second) first time?  Just wondering..

You know Demeter, the Super-Catholic is just REELING right about now, but hey, you want access to the blog, lady, then you keep your judgements to yourself.

Immediate action is required.... But Im not really in my 20s anymore and am looking for something a lot more meaningful.  Hmmmm, I need a boyfriend.  I need a GREAT boyfriend.  I need a boyfriend that worships the ground I walk on.  I need a boyfriend that always puts me first... These guys are out there, but they are hard to find.  You know where you CANT find them?  On your couch with your dog, Cerberus, watching design shows.  You have to put yourself out there, expose yourself to potential rejection... Yuck. I have a much better time finding a broken soul of a man that I think I can help or save.  Taking him into my life, falling in love with him, putting up with his BS, in one case MARRYING HIM, then leaving broken hearted.  That sux.  I dont want to do that anymore.  Honestly, Ive pushed myself away from the reality of dating so much, that I can visualize myself with someone in a dream world, but not in reality. Its not that i dont think I deserve it, because I truly know what a fantastic person I am, but I just dont think its possible.  THAT STATEMENT SCARES ME.  It scares my awesome therapist, the Oracle, as well.

I think this is where Aphrodite screwed me over, I misunderstood what she was saying... I always thought good-love was a guarantee to happen some time.  Its not.  Totally awesome people dont find good-love because they let their issues get in the way. I also dont want to be bitter and alone, that sure as Hell isnt me. I want to be Aphrodite the right way. 

Now the whole weight issue comes back into play, I dont really have the self-esteem right now to get myself a great man... trust me, its more the self-esteem than it is the appearance. The old cliche "no one will love you until you love yourself" BS is rediculously true. I hate it when everything I want to do in life comes down to one simple fucking action and/or explanation and YET I cant bring myself to do it. Lose the stupid weight, Athena. Its always been masking every issue you have, thats why its there. Dont half-ass it like you're doing now, do it all the way.

So, I take this as a challenge. Ive always done better with difficult challenges when I had a goal and/or deadline.  I dont want Themis' wedding to be a deadline, that has resulted in devastating results in the past (see post: the bridesmaid dress debacle).  I just need to keep this top of mind.  I think about it, then push it back down.  It needs to stay a focus.  A TOP focus.  I cant let issues with the DBB, work, etc let me lose focus.

BTW, Im not losing weight to get laid, thats just how I came to this random thought... and I should hope I get a little lovin' before Ive lost all the weight, too.  Seriously, a girl has needs.


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