I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

This post isn't for me... its for one of the most loving and generous women I know....

Turn on the radio and flip through the channels... not matter the genre of music there's one theme that is likely to come up over and over and over again..

Heartbreak.

Why?  Because its one of the most excruciating loses that we feel and everyone can relate to it. 

So cry, scream, shout, punch something (not someone) and let it all go.  And as you're asking yourself why you're not the one for him, what you could have done differently and if you're not good enough...  PLEASE remember what an incredible person you are.  PLEASE remember how loving, compassionate and generous you are... and know that you have to feel this heartache in order to find the ONE who deserves YOU.

YOU are the prize.  

Some lessons you have to learn twice, or three times, or four, or five

I've learned this lesson MANY times, and yet I continue to sell myself short when it comes to giving more than I'm getting back... STILL.  After everything I've gone through, I let my imagination run the show and don't pay enough attention to reality.  

Damn it, Athena. 

I deserve to feel disappointed... I won't learn any other way.

I use the F word a lot in this one...

Its midnight... I just got into Little Rock.... I erroneously assumed there would be some sort of Starbucks or other deliciousness to appease me during my 8 hour drive... I spent 5 hours driving through po-dunk fucking Louisiana and Arkansas... I almost ran out of gas... As I was driving on the 2 lane (total) highway through po-dunk fucking Louisiana I got another mother fucking speeding ticket.... I was going 63, he clocked me at 70... He was wrong... I know this because I had 5 miles left of gas, I had seen nothing but corn and pepper fields for 34 miles and so I was super hyper focused on staying between 60-65 MPG (heard that is the best gas mileage?)... I cried SO HARD to the cop that I think he almost cried, but he still gave me the mother fucking speeding ticket... Cerberus the psychopath thwarted my efforts.... I did not run out of gas.... I never found a Starbucks... I cried SO HARD for the next 2 hours... my phone died... my phone re-charged... my phone GPS did not work... I got scared.... Nyx saved me from certain backwoods hillbilly murder death by sending me directions... I was so emotional and Cerberus was such a psychopath that I didn't dare stop for food... Its midnight... I just got into Little Rock... and I've had a total of 2 slices of bread, 1/4 cup of tomato sauce, 1 Starbucks from 8 am and 6 fiber crackers.




I.... AM....STARVING....

My dream man

So, I’ve been wrought with conflict over the last 6 weeks... conflict, confusion, craziness… I’ve had all of these freaky weird situations come up where I’m being hit on by all the wrong kind of men… and (seriously unbeknownst to me) have been pretty much flirting with any man, woman or child within reach.
Where is this all coming from? My theory is that my recent plan of Fabulosity (which has been going more slowly than expected, but its still going strong) has ignited a sense of confidence that hasn’t been unleashed in a while... like YEARS. Let’s be honest, HWSNBN did a fine job at stomping me down and crushing my spirit. From convincing me that I’m a shitty singer, to the fact that I’m ugly, to… well, you get the picture. No need to re-live it. Well, I’ve had this new sense of confidence and that has translated into me APPARENTLY going buck wild in the flirting department and its caused a whole heap of trouble. From the Fedora situation (which I DO NOT want to discuss, thank you) to the WRONG people hitting on me (seriously, you’re my friend, back the eff off) to just a whole lot of other stupidity on my behalf.

So, after a chat with a good friend, I really took a look at who I want as my future mate… and I came to a startling conclusion. I think that what I want is possibly unattainable! UNATTAINABLE!!! I seriously and honestly want a hybrid combo of Will Scheuster from GLEE and Eric Northman from True Blood. Let me break it down for you, and by the way, all of the following characteristics are REQUIREMENTS:

Will Schuester:
• Loyal, kind, loving, compassionate, loyal (yup, got that one in there twice), genuine, loves children, dorky, somewhat insecure at times, sweet, tender and probably the most important of all... LOVES TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AT VARIOUS POINTS THROUGHOUT THE DAY (hello!  Thats SO me!)

Eric Northman:
• Evil, diabolical (similar, but not the same), perverted, HOT, egotistical and probably KILLER in bed  (again, that's SO me! - kidding, but I'm up for the challenge)

How do these 2 people fuse together into the perfect man for me? I"M NOT SURE ITS possible, but its what I want. Unfortunately, I have a strong desire and tendency to go pick off the low hanging fruit, which is the Eric Northman’s of the world… and I understand that these are not real people. 
… To hope, to dream.

I'm BACK!

Good LORD its been a helluva month. Absolutely crazy at every turn. Every minute of every day was PACKED in MAY with bridal showers, bachelorette parties, corporate meetings, weddings... OH... WEDDINGS...

First of all, let me start by saying that the wedding of my dear, sweet HEMERA was absolutely beautiful. For someone as strikingly beautiful (on the inside and out) as HEMERA is, I didn’t think it was possible for her to be even more beautiful… but she was. Absolute show stopper. It was perfect... and let’s be honest people, she deserved it. HEMERA is one of the most loving, giving, down to earth, humble people you will ever meet and she deserved this wonderful night.

Of course, I probably over-committed myself and ran myself ragged between all of the personal commitments (7 hours away) and massive business commitments, but I made it through and I’m not looking back.

For HEMERA’s bachelorette party, we threw a “Booty Parlor” party… aka sex toy party. Our Bootician drove 3 hours for the party, and as the evening wrapped up, I realized that she didn’t have a whole lot of orders and didn’t make a lot of money… So what did I do? Spend more money on sex toys than my rent (not really, but it was a lot). So today, I got my order from FedEx and after they dropped the PALLET of sex toys off at my house, I realized I may have overdone it a bit. I couldn’t stop laughing… What the hell am I going to do with all these damn things (other than the obvious)? Seriously, I don’t even have the energy to open the boxes...

On a completely UNRELATED note, I made up with HERMES! Woot! He called last week (or the week before? I don’t remember) and apologized (like really apologized, not a crappy "I'm a dude and dont know how to say I'm sorry" apology) and I cried and cried and cried… Poor dude grew up with all brothers and probably isn’t used to chicks crying all the time, but I’m a crier, its what I do and he deserved it. I missed him. Lots. I’m not sure our friendship will ever be the same, but I’m glad to have the Herm hole filled for now… even if just partially.

Overall, by the time June 1 rolled around, my effing Giving Tree was so worn down, I felt like the stupid "boy"  not only sat on my stump, but paid a team of dendrologists to grind out the roots.  If I had any limbs left, I would have bitch-slapped the "boy"... Yes, the "boy" is a metaphor for my life... but now the month is over and I'm regenerating.  Sounds so hokey but true.

The Giving Tree

I haven't posted in a while, for a variety of reasons.  Primarily, I've been really busy with work, with travel, with friends in town, with friends out of town... just really busy.  I've been in my hometown for a week just catching up with friends and working on Hemeras' bridal shower and Bach party.   Its been such a weird week that I dont even know where to start...

1.  My little flirty chats with Fedora has somehow became a major point of drama.  I know he is drama, I know his life is drama, I know he sleeps with a variety of effing drama... but thats HIS problem.  Why is this my problem?  Why can't I just talk to this crazy ass guy that thinks I'm hot?  Fedora makes me smile.. a lot.  Not smile in a "I want to marry you and love you forever, Fedora!" type of way but definitely in a "Holy shit this is some fun chemistry... tell me again how cute you think i am" kinda of way.   But, there are people around me that I love so much, and for some reason I feel I need their permission.  I want to shoot myself in the face (not really)

2.  I'm staying with Hera (Hemera's sister) and last night I was laying in bed with her son, reading him a book.. ."The Giving Tree"  We all know the book, the tree continues to give away parts of herselft to the boy, her leaves, her branches, her trunk, until she is a small stump... just to make the boy happy.  And at the end of his life, when he's treated the tree like crap, he has the nerve to sit on her.  Fuck you, boy.

I'm reading this book and I feel like the Giving Tree.  I just feel like I'm constantly shedding my branches for others..and I do it because I truly enjoy it, but it can be really overwhelming at times, too.  I'm so stressed out with work, and travel, etc. and I feel guilty right now that I'm not being the best friend, sister, daughter, etc. because I'm neglecting those around me... but I'm busy.  They're busy, why should I feel guilty because I'm busy?  Why should I feel guilty because I'm being selfish right now? 

O.......M........G

How in the Hell do I get myself in these situations.  


More to come later. 

Fuego...

That means HOT in Spanish :-) and is my F word for the week and there is a reason the entire post in RED…I've had a pretty HOT week...

I drove to Miami and back... from HADES.... it’s a 14 hour drive EACH WAY. 14 effing hours because I missed my flight and Delta customer service sucks it... It's ok, because Miami was HOT… both in temp and in spirit and I forgot how much I LOVE Miami...

I’ve talked to FEDORA a couple times, and our convos are SUPER HOT. SO hot, that I can’t even begin to write about it without blushing...

For the last 2 weeks, I’ve lost ZERO weight, though I’ve been working out like crazy AND I’ve been eating phenomenally. There is NO reason why I should goose egg it! So, I didn’t want to be too disappointed tomorrow morning (my “weigh in” morning) and hopped on the scale just for a gut check (no pun intended). 8 POUNDS! I lost 8 POUNDS!! No doubt, they were ‘stored up’ pounds via water retention or something from the previous week, but trust me I earned every single stinkin’ one of those 8 pounds. So, in total I’ve lost 21 pounds and feel fantastic...

To further extend my fantastic feeling, I decided to (out of curiosity) try on some dresses that I haven’t fit into since my ill-fated wedding… Um, they not only fit but I looked fantastic in them. I almost passed out I was so shocked… Then, I threw on some super high heels and looked in the mirror. HOLY SHIT! I SAW A GLIMMER OF A GIRL I KNOW!!! She’s the fun, gorgeous, confident and sexy Athena that I think of when I think of myself… but haven’t seen in the mirror in a long time. I needed that so badly. Better still, its only been 5 weeks since the FAB plan started. In 5 weeks I’ve been able to bust my ass and have that “HELL YEA” moment…. I’m not stopping here and cant wait for my next one…

FUEGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.T.H.E.N.A is not how you spell "classy"

A few months ago, one of my besties asked me to describe my ideal man. Given my flair for descriptive story telling, combined with my post-D therapy, she was expecting a long list of expectations for Mr. Right... my response? "He is nice and likes to kiss"


That's it. "Nice and kiss"  The last nice guy that liked to kiss that I dated was 7 years ago.  Apparently those are 2 qualities that I should have paid more attention to in my selection process.

So this weekend, one of my best besties came in town this weekend with her husband and 2 squirrely girls. We had a TOTAL blast... last night was the big adult night out and we met up with her neighbor, who was visiting from out of town as well. He was NICE. Paid me compliments. Funny. Opened Doors. He wore a fedora. Paid me compliments. NICE.

Sometimes I do some classy shit, but after an evening of drinking in Hades, at some point I made the decision to make out with NICE NEIGHBOR FEDORA in a bar. Ahhh, public kissing and groapage... CLASSY! It was a good old fashioned 7th 9th grade, PG 13+ make-out session (like I wouldn’t be the first killed in a horror movie, but I wouldn’t be the virgin that makes it to the end alive either)...but at the end of the day, girls.... I just can’t resist someone that makes me smile and the opportunity for some fun smooching. 

PUCKER UP!!

My two Fs/Effs

As you all know, I've been working Fast and Furiously to look Fabulous in 6 months. Not just slightly more Fabulous than my current gorgeousness :-) but DRASTICALLY, NOTICEABLY healthier, in better shape and (most importantly) looking as happy on the outside as I feel on the inside. Its an awesome dream and I'm super psyched to see it come to fruition.
So, I've been teetering with this concept for like 6 months (really, for 23 years if you consider the start of the downward spiral once I hit puberty...good times), but 3 weeks ago I just got really Focused. I'm already a pescatarian (a weak vegetarian that still eats some seafood), and I eat really well 80% of the time. The 20% KILLS me, and I get little to no hard exercise a day. So, 3 weeks ago, I got Focused. I use weight watchers for tracking my intake (though I don’t eat any of the packaged food- loading my body with sodium, high fructose corn syrup, processed food make to look like chicken, but its really made of corn- as is the box- is completely counter-intuitive to being healthier), I have an exercise and activity plan and I've set some pretty serious Fabulosity goals.

Honestly, I want to look like Amy from season 3 of the Biggest Loser... I've been watching her for years and for some reason, I think she ROCKS.

Amy from The Biggest Loser Season 3: Fabulous!

Week 1: I rocked it... Ate really well, reasonable quantities, 95% organic, 95% home cooked. AND... Weekly Goal MORE THAN Realized! Fabulous!

Week 2: Decided that you have to really kick it up in Week 2 (per the Biggest Loser :-) So this is where I added in the exercise goals ... Again, I rocked it... Walked 3 miles a day for 5 days. Ate really well, reasonable quantities, 95% organic, 95% home cooked. AND... Weekly Goal not QUITE realized, but so super close... Still excited! Fabulous!!

Week 3: Week 3 was really tough. If you recall, I was on a 5 day Business Trip with a TON of pressure! Then, the day after I got back. a friend was in town for the weekend. Overall,. I was actually proud of how cautious I was with my food choices, but in the end, it wasn't good enough. I realized I wasn't really as prepared as I thought I was to be away from the safety of my kitchen. Everything cooked in restaurants is loaded with extra garbage. Frustrating. Add to the top of that... I didn’t exercise one time. Yikes! Results? I lost not one pound. EFF!!!!!!!! But, I still take it as a pseudo victory, as I could have gone shit nuts and gained weight. So, I have some making up to do over the next few weeks.

My solution in Week 4, is to ramp up the activity levels! It’s the perfect week to do it, because I’m home ALL week. So, I’m walking a ton AND… finally bit the bullet and joined the Bikram studio. My first class was yesterday, and I had to walk out twice because I nearly puked. Tonight, I made it through… FAB!!! So, at the end of this week, I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope I have a Fabulous victory story for all of you….
(then I need to stress about next week… I’ll be on a biz trip in Miami for 4 days!) EFF!!!!

What Comes Up, Must Come Down

It’s been TOO long, and I know you've all been eagerly anticipating Athena updates... It’s been a helluva week for Athena.... I kicked it off with a 4 day biz trip to chilly Denver for the major preso with the VP and other important peeps.

Yes, I am a seasoned professional and use words such as: biz, preso, and peeps to refer to my most pressing business matters.

I've been traveling a lot for work, which usually doesn't bother me; however, since I moved to Hades, I no longer have the benefit of an airport "hub" so I always have to connect to every city I go to. This makes for a lot of time in the airport and on the plane. How does one entertain themselves when in an airport for hours on end? By judging others....

The woman on the left's t-shirt says: 

If at first you dont success, drink some beer and smoke some weed. 

Classy!  Little did she know, I was going to take her advice if my preso didn't go well.

So, after a 7 hour plane ride (with connections) out to chilly Denver, I settled in to my hotel room and worked it. Finished up the details, met with important peeps, and I was SO NERVOUS that I didn’t sleep for 2 days. I knew the DBB was using this as my last "test" for my promotion, and more importantly, I like to be an overachiever and the pressure was on. Long story short, rocked the preso and got a phone call 4 hours later that my fauxmotion is faux no more. S-WEETT!!!


I was on a high… what I didn’t mention earlier was that this was my first biz trip since my big plan of fabulosity came about, so I was really nervous that I wouldn’t lose any weight this week or (gasp!) gain some. All that I am going to say on the subject is that I really did the best I could, but I wasn’t prepared for the ‘eating out’ nonsense. Seriously, restaurants feed us garbage on a stick now… I digress.

I was on a high… I was not really anticipating my flight back to Hades (again with the connections) but I was in a pretty good mood! I am Athena, hear me ROAR! I can conquer ANYTHING! I can…. Fall flat on my ass in an airport full of people!!! In my defense, there was an absolutely gargantuan puddle of water on a marble airport floor. ANYONE would slip on it! Of course, not anyone did, that responsibility was placed only on me. As the sole of my flip flop swiftly peeled out from under me, I channel my inner Yoda, and as I have done the 487 times in the past where I’ve fallen down, up, sideways or upside down in public places, I landed with grace and dignity.

Even I was impressed by the 1. Lack of pain 2. Melodious movements of a woman caught off guard. I actually received compliments from the travelers around me as they scurried over to help. “Do you need help?” “I saw the whole thing happen, how did you land so gracefully?” I smiled. I looked up calmly and stated “It’s not my first time. I’m a professional clutz.”

I took this picture from WAY FAR AWAY!  I didn't want any of my witnesses to spot me.

It took me 9 hours to get back to Hades. 9 freaking hours. I could have flown to PARIS in the time it took me to get back. Why? Because after I had already connected from Denver to Detroit, Delta decided to list their Detroit-Hades connection as a non-stop, when it was really a layover. So, after my wipe out at the Denver airport, then 9 hour flight with not one, but TWO connections, I realized I was completely wrong about my fall not hurting. OUCH!

To top it all off, my sweet angel love-child, Cerberus, decided to personally thank me for leaving him at doggie-daycare for 4 days by clawing through my chest in an attempt to rip my heart out and gnaw it to death.

Sorry for the boob shot, but hey, thats what happens when you are trying to avoid your face (and I was like "shit, my boobs looks GOOD in this picture!!)

Fauxmoted no more

Victory is mine....

Woot Woot to 4!

I have 4 followers! (ok, one of them is "me" but that’s because I didn’t know what I was doing when I clicked on it).

I love followers! I wish I had some clever posting for today, as a reward for being such loyal peeps... Grrrrrr, I'm working on this stupid presentation for work, which has sucked my soul dry of any ability to entertain... Ewww, well, I do have this little nugget.
_______________________________________________
I signed up to get massages at Massage Envy, which is a total sucker job, but I'm a sucker for relaxation. My first massage was today, and I had to fill out a survey for them. There were some questions on parts of your body that you don’t feel comfortable with them massaging. The only area that I preferred they not massage was my pectoral muscles. Seems exceptionally reasonable to me, and I actually assumed that that question was really directed more toward the male clientele, but I answered it anyway.

I met my masseuse, and he was very professional. He verbally reviewed my survey with me.

Masseuse: "Ok, Miss Athena, you don’t feel comfortable with me massaging your pectoral muscles?"
Athena: "Ummmmmm.... Is that question really for men AND women?"
Masseuse: "Yes. We can massage your pectoral muscles if you are comfortable with that."
Athena: "Well, we just met and you didn’t even take me to dinner yet, so unless you have a bottle of tequila hiding underneath that robe, I think my 'girls' are going home solo today."

The massage rocked, btw.

The Good Eggs

This has been a particularly yuck week for me on the emotional front.... Yesterday, I went to see my fantastic therapist, The Oracle.  She is so insightful, and without being too obvious, always gets the "upside" of things stuck in my brain. I think she called it Cognitive Therapy... when you think a certain way, your actions follow.  I love drama (GASP!! Its shocking, I know!) so sometimes in my brain I catastrophize (sp?) things and thats what leads to depression and the downward spiral.  I haven't had a downward spiral in a long time. 

So, whats on my mind now?  The upside of the Herm Hole.  I'm not in the mood to dwell, but there are a few moments in your life that are so impactful that when you think back at them, you remember every detail.  Your emotions, how the room smelled, the feel of the cold leather couch on the back of your leg.   I have a particularly impactful moment that IS what it IS.   We'll have to take a little trip down memory lane again.

 

It was 4 days before my 31st birthday, 11 months into a miserable marriage to He Who Shall Not Be Named.  I was past the point of caring and we were arguing non-stop day in and day out.  Lets skip all the juicy stuff, and fast forward post-SMACKDOWN... I was shamefully dropped off at our house (he had fled to his parents with the dogs) by a police cruiser, who sat outside to make sure HWSNBN didnt return. As I walked up the steps, the officer told me that I needed to call a friend and stay somewhere else that night.  The police may not be able to sit in front of the house all day.  I said "ok" and walked inside.  It was quiet in a house that was never quiet.  No dogs. No screaming husband.  No TV. No chaos.  JUST ME and the decision I had to make.  My mind was literally blank, still shocked by what had just happened.  All I knew was, "I have to leave him now, there's no way I could stay." and I also knew that I had to call a friend and not stay at home that night.  THIS IS THE MOMENT.  I remember every feeling, smell, sensation and emotion of it.  I sat on that couch with the phone in my hand and did not have a single person I could call.  I was completely alone.  Every driend I had made in the past 31 eyars lived no more than 30 minutes away, and yet, I had moved each and every one of them out of my life by staying with HWSNBN for 4+ miserable years.  All of hte firends were still "there" but they weren't THERE.  I scrolled through my phone, and with each of my "best friends" I had a reason not to call them. 

• I can't call THAT ONE, she is so scared of HWSNBN that she doesn't want to get involved.  She feared for her families life.

• I can't call Nyx, becuase she works for HWSNBN... great, I just put my own sister out of a job

 And on it went. Eventually, I called Hermes... he ALSO worked for HWSNBN but I knew he would be there, I knew he wouldn't tell, and I knew he was the only person that actually sat me down prior to the wedding and said "Are you crazy?  Do not marry him."

Hermes dropped me off at my empty condo that I still owned and had rented for years.  I stated there for a few days until the restraining order was final and HWSNBN couldn't step foot in our little city.

Hermes was a good egg, and I actually think he still is.  I just wish he hadn't just been such a bad egg to me. What I remember from that moment of sitting on my couch was this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  I had lost everyone that was dear to me, and rightfully so.  I hadn't been a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, to any of them.  I was so wrapped up in my own chaotic nightmare that I treated them like garbage....  Sounds like a pretty sad story, especially considering that this posting is supposed to be about the "up" side! 

Well, there is an upside.   I had some people in my life that absolutely surprised me... I re-discovered some really GOOD EGGS.  Friends took me in, gave me a place to stay, gave me jobs, consoled me, encouraged me, listened to me cry... Some of these friends were so compassionate and giving, and to this day have no idea (despite me telling them) that they saved my life.  They made it easier for me to stay gone from him.  Hemera and Hera are sisters and we've been friends since I was 3.  Hemera let me live with her for 4 months, asking for NOTHING in return.  Hera had me come work for her, helping her after her second child was born.  Between the income from Hera and the housing from Hemera, these two pretty much sustained me.  They are very very good eggs.

Then comes Nyx, my sister... the one who I unknowingly pulled into the chaos with HWSNBN'd by getting her involved in working there, just to leave him in chaos causing her massive discomfort and unemployment.  Nyx and I never had much in common, but she is the most loyal and dependable person I know.  She packed and moved me out of my house, she drove my moving truck to Hades, she unpacked and moved me into my rental in Hades.  She is always there for me, no matter what.  She is a very very good egg.

So, when I look back at this week and the Herm hole, and think about what the upside could POSSIBLY be to the sadness I feel, I know that the upside is that 2 short years ago, I didnt have a friend to lose... NOW, every person that I allow close to me is "worth it." 

Even in Hades, Atalanta is my best bestie here, and she came out of NOWHERE.  She reminds me of my sister, Nyx, becuase every time I've called her and needed her, she's been there.  EVERY TIME.  She hasn't even known me for that long.   On tuesday, during my shit storm, she drove to Hades and sat on curb with me and drank a cup of coffee.  Talk about a good effing egg.  I needed that so badly.

Much longer post than I had intended, but I have a lot to say about my good eggs.... 

Kicking and Screaming

I must now drag myself outside, kicking and screaming,to walk my 3 miles today.  Stupid crappy "emotional" days on Tuesday and Wednesday used up ALL of my "off" days for the week.

My motivation levels are SO low, that I spent 20 minutes making this clever gauge.  Srsly.

The Yang for my Yin

Today was clearly a reward for my attempt at optimism yesterday. My sad, pathetic, impossibly attainable attempt at optimism.   Today was the Yang for yesterday's Yin...   it also reminded me of one of my new theories about life (not really a motto, just a good thing to think about when I'm sad, and want to drive myself off a cliff into shark infested waters). Discomfort initiates change... and sometimes change is good.

Yesterday was FULL of discomfort.  Car dead... power out... raging hole in my soul over Herm's gut wrenching cruelty... If my car didn't die, I wouldn't have tracked down my fleet manager and found out that my company car had been sitting on a car lot in Hades, waiting to be picked up. My new FREE car is awesome!  It's NEW, it's FREE,  fuel and maintenance are PAID FOR... it has Sirius radio!  It smells AWESOME.  I could not have asked for a better FREE car... I love it when my theories are right!

Now... what is the upside of the "Herm Hole" aka the sad spot in my heart because of Herm's meanniness... I'm not sure about that one yet.

When it rains, it pours like a mother effer

BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST.  SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM, CLICK THROUGH THE AUDIO PLAYER AND PUT ON JOHNNY NASH. 

I dont even know where to start with today.  I woke up still pretty stunned over last night's SHOCKING situation with Hermes.  I also realized that today was the first day in a long time where I wasn't drowning in conference calls.  I decided to be optimistic and not get too sad over Herm... Ok, I cried really hard for like 30 mintues, but only once...

Unbeknownst to me, it started to rain. Not rain from the sky, but emotional cosmic rain from the Gods of "I'm going to ruin your effing life one moment at a time."  I really didn't see it coming.

Unaware of the shit storm brewing over my head, I made my way to Starbucks and ordered my favorite bevey, while gleefully explaining my empowered and positive mental state to my sister, Demeter... Hop back in the car, turn the key... and NOTHING. Not a peep.  Not a beep.  Just a slight ROLL BACK onto the edge of the little parking lot.   FML.  Shit storm is brewing... Fortunately, I had a friend available to try to resuscitate the car, and after that failure, drive me home.  Sometimes friends are good umbrellas during shit storms.

I was still somewhat optimistic.  I knew this crappy car was on its last leg, and it COULD have been worse!  It died at Starbucks, my place of salvation...

As my friend drops me off, I call Demeter again.  I'm FINE.  I can HANDLE this!  I'm AWESOME!  I am so glad my therapy is WORKING....

WAIT!!!!  Why is my laptop dead?  Actually, why do NONE of my lights come on?  FML.... SHIT STORM STILL BREWING...  My power is cut off.  Why? Because I am a dumb ass and didnt pay my bill for 2.5 months!  WHAT ADULT DOES THAT?!???!:??   Now that my power bill is $400 (no lie, 400 EFFING DOLLARS) I cant pay it until FRIDAY. 

I spent the remainder of the afternoon at the coffee shop - NOT Starbucks-- (which I walked to, of course, because I dont have an effing car) just to charge up my laptop and phone....

I now sit here BLOGging by candlelight.  It seems so romantic, but dont be fooled.

EFF THIS EFFING DAY.... 

My heart is broken

Tonight was a really tough night.  Really tough.  I've written about my friendship with the boy bestie, Hermes, and I'm really sad to say that our friendship has come to an end. 

Long story VERY short, we were texting back and forth about wrestling (it IS Monday night) and I misunderstood one of his texts when he said "no one ever listens to him."  I thought he was referring to this wrestling guy being on TV tonight (and not a serious "issue") and joked around for him to "stop the pity party."

Clearly he was serious, and before I was offered an opportunity to apologize he responded with a statement that he has put up with my pity party since he's known me and told me to Fuck Off.  I didnt know what to do.  Do I even apologize for what I said?  After that?  I decided to clear up my stuff, explained how I could have misunderstood him, and apologized.   Then I would be done.  Even after I clarified that I clearly completely misunderstood, he replied with "at least I was paid to listen to HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED's shit."  (fyi, he used to work HWSNBN and listened to a lot of his shit.)  Being compared to HWSNBN is disgusting.

Ouch.  Double Ouch.  Probably even a triple ouch.  Of all of people in this world, Hermes, being at the office afterhours, etc. was one few people that saw and heard how HWSNBN spoke to me and treated me, I really felt like Hermes was the only one who came close to understanding even a shred of what I suffered through. 

I can only think of a few other statements that would be so cruel.

So, despite the fact that I'm sure he was drunk,  he's never intentionally been mean to me before, and obviously something very painful is going on in his life, its time to call it quits. I am a forgiving person, but this one just cut too deep and was too intentional.  I'm not perfect, but I if I am intentionally cruel to you, then I don't deserve your friendship either.

My heart is broken.

Namaste

I'm trying to motivate myself to join a new yoga studio.  I can walk to the studio from my house, and they offer beginner Bikram classes every night at 6:00 pm... Also, its a boutique studio and not a "gym" studio and they offer a New Student 10 days for $10 trial.  Again, awesome, considering my massive goals for fabulosity for the next 6 months START WITH being super focused over the next few weeks.  If I can see some fast results, it will keep me moving forward.  This isn't my first stint with yoga, and I actually really like it.  Plus, I think it makes you better in bed, but considering my lack of bed companions, this is more of a long term goal.

Of course, as I'm scrolling through photos from my NEW YOGA studio, I am making up all of these excuses as to why I want to walk ALONE vs. committing to a room full of people...

I always make up stupid excuses but these are very real!

Excuse #1:  What if I can't cut it and a room full of people see me fail!!

 

Excuse #2: What if I am in WAY over my head????

 

Excuse #3: What if I get frightened????

I'll report back after tomorrow's class. Pray for me.

Not so pretty things...

I love pretty things!  I love organized things, too!  I used to say that I love "expensive" things, but that was years ago.  I'm proud to have grown up quite a bit since my younger, snottier days.  I do love pretty things, though, and I find a lot of joy in making things look pretty, particularly my home (whether it be owned or rented).  I guess you could say I'm a DIYer, but it started out that way out of necessity, not desire.  When I moved into my condo at 24, I had grand visions, but not a grand wallet.  I updated and renovated and learned along the way. Now I'm too stingy to pay someone to...oh.... paint my kitchen. Really I'm just a fool.

Now 8 years later, I'm re-doing my kitchen in my rental house in Hades.  WHY I would put time effort and money into a shotgun rental house is beyond most people, but I enjoy it becuase I want it to look pretty. For no one else but for myself.

So, on top of the growing To Do list for work, I am rapidly increasing my To Do list for home.  Last week I decided that even though there isn't anywhere that offers recycling services in Hades, I couldn't stand throwing away bags of garbage every week.  I'll collect my recyclables and drive the hour and a half to the next city every week to drop off the recycling. Today's side track home project was figuring out how to organize my recyclables in my tiny mud room/pantry/only hallway area/storage room/entry into the backyard without spending any money... Not one penny.. The result isn't pretty, but its organized... Oh well...

Oh yes, and I DO drink enough wine on my own to constitute a bag for "Bottles"

...is for wine

Wine is my word of the night.  You know what else is?  WINNER! or We are awesome or Women rock

Whatever works for you, works for me.  This is our year.  Make it happen. A= Accountability W= Winner, Women, and Wine... put it together???

AWWW

you can do it

... is for accountability

Accountability is my word of the week.  It may be my word of the year.

First with work, and shifting the mentality of my already AWESOME team (or feam... a faux team?  I'm still working under a fauxmotion, right?)  Whatevs. 

Second, with my new goals for being fit and fab in 6 months.  Seriously?  6 months?  Yes.  It can be done, it will be done.  So far (on day 2 :-)  I'm off to a good start.

I'm off to SUCH a good start that I reserved 10 points from weight watchers today so I can drink 3 full glasses of wine tonight.  Ha!!! The non-accountable Athena  would have gotten a large margarita and planted it on the couch... I have a plan.  Anyway, I need the wine to recover from this grueling week of work (past few weeks really).  Its cool, though.  The DBB is less of a DB and more of a B.   Works for me...

Let me just say... Have you ever met someone who never takes responsibility for their actions?  They are usually a screwed up, unhappy, lost soul.  Have you ever met anyone who always takes reponsibility for their actions??? They are usually solid, stable, responsible and HAPPY.  ACCOUNTABILITY... I think the big A is a big one here. 

Too busy to be thin?

Too busy, too lazy, or too fearful of defeat...   No matter WHAT the reason is, I need to get ON IT.  A few months ago I had what I thought was a breakthrough, and I was so motivated to lose weight.  How much have I lost?  A total of (now 6 pounds)

Considering the summer is coming up, I have Themis' wedding in November, and my "SUPER AWESOME EXCITING NEWS" coming up as well, I need immediate action.

I joined weight watchers online (again) today.  I loved it last time becaue it gives me the tracking and guidance I need to know I'm on target.  Also, I can drink :-) within moderation.

So, fingers and toes are crossed that I can pull it through.

Nothing says "I heart Jesus" like a bucket of paint

Happy Easter!!!  Ok, that's ALL of the enthusiasm you'll get from me right now. I had a rather exhausting 3 day ride home from Phoenix last week, where I quickly came to the conclusion that Herm and I may be travel incompatible.  Examples?  Hmmmm.  For one, instead of blasting the fully functional A/C in his new ride, Hermes prefers to roll the windows down, turn off the A/C, and drive through Arizona, New Mexico and EBF Texas through blazing hot sun, sweating his balls off. Fortunately (in many ways), I am a woman  and don't have balls to sweat off, so I thought that with my 3-day long moving SAUNA throughout the Southwestern US I would have sweated out a dress size or two... nah... I got dehydrated and retained water.  

Screw you, moving sauna. 

It wasn't all miserable, though.  I managed to annoy the daylights out of poor Herm as I talked on conference calls, typed on my computer and let out exasperated work-related sighs throughout the day.  By the time we hit Houston, Herm BOLTED for a little alone time. 

The drive was actually really pretty (when I picked my head up from my laptop and took a look).  See that little tree next to that wind mill thing? I think that's cool.

So, I'm back in Hades and working like a mad woman.  You may have noticed that there haven't been many DBB blog posts lately.  Why?  Because I effing rock and have spent the last month working like crazy and doing everythign in my power to get the DBB's focus OFF of my and my team, and ONTO one of my poor, unfortunate peers.  My team and I are shoved so far up the DBBs ass that we reside somewhere near his heart (if he has one)...So, overall it worked!  He's singing our praises and destroying the life of one of my co-workers.  Poor fella.

I love holidays, its the sentimental Aphrodite in me.  So, knowing that I would be without my family for Easter (year two) I decided to occupy my time with a little crafty project... Hmm, this seems like a good time to re-paint my (rental) kitchen.  All weekend I've been cutting in, rolling, dripping, cursing, moving ladders, smelling like wildebeast... Today, on Easter day, I vaccummed a wet paint drop with my new shiny Dyson, and out of my mouth came words that JC would not have been too happy to hear.  I apologized.  He forgave. 

Oh, and I cried 3 times this weekend thinking about the big news in my "I'm So Excited" post.  Cried tears of absolute joy. If you know me and love me, it will make you cry, too.  Cry or pee your pants (or both).

I'm off to get in a few hours of work before the Monday morning mayhem begins, sip on a glass of wine and maybe slide in an episode of "I Survived" (Bio Channel).  Awesome show, and comes in handy when your ex-husband is a raging sociopath. 

Peace and Happy Easter.

I'm so excited, that I just can't hide it!

I cant tell you why, but some day this will all make sense.

In the words of Johnny Nash....

I can see clearly now, the pain is gone... An appropriate song for today, and one of my favorites, so I added it to my blog playlist. 

Why is it appropriate for today? He Who Shall Not Be Named was up to his old tricks again, just out of the blue.   I prefer not to deal with or speak with HWSNBN, but everyone once in a while Satan decides to poke his head out of Hell, put on some sheeps clothing and see what he can get away with.  Today was one of those days.

A month after I moved to Hades, I visited a street psychic when one of my Karmarific girlfriends was in town.  I said nothing.  I sat down.  Surprisingly, the psychic was instantly very serious with me.  She knew I was running away to get a new start.  She very clearly told me...

DO NOT LOOK BACK.  What is in the past is evil and it casts an illusion to trick you.She then told me I may need to "run (away) faster."

(oh, and my soul mate is a red-headed country boy.  I should blog about my psychic experience)

Back to HWSNBN... THIS TIME,  I could see the illusion coming and where I used to fall victim to his perfected sociopathic manipulation, I actaully SAW it this time.  Clear as a BELL.  I know its been a year and a half since I left him, but even a year ago I would have been fooled, felt guilty, felt sad, missed him, missed my life, thought "what if?"  Not today.  THERAPY ROCKS.

Jagged Little Pill

In the words of my mother... Good Lord!  I'm working like a mad lady until all hours of the night, desperately trying to clear my workload enough to enjoy my Thelma & Louise time!

This is a short little blog entry, since its the middle of the night, but the sisters will appreciate this one.  In my purse, I have a little pill box of EITHER Xanex for panic attacks or a prescription diuretic because I have issues.  I was in full panic attack mode about an hour ago, and took a Xanex... except I THINK its a pee pill.  I never take either one any more so I cant remember which one I put in the pill box. 

Hmmmmm... I haven't calmed down but I've been REALLY thirsty.  No biggie, a little less water retention sure as hell wouldn't kill me, but I DO remember a time when I took one of these pills at Demeter's house and managed to WET THE BED in the night. Her husband shamefully reminds me of this embarressing episode quite often.

So, sweet dreams, and for the hotel maid's sake, lets hope I took the Xanex.

Good morning Sunshine!!

Ahhh, Monday morning!  It should be a fantastic week. Busy, but fantastic... Im up early to go see the Oracle, the DBB is out of pocket for business ALL week, I'm starting my westward trek tomorrow... And Cerberus (the Serious) is taking a 10 day vacation with his Maw Maw...

What could ruin this peaceful time?

An 8:00 am text message and subsequent PHONE CALL (which is now rare) from He Who Shall Not Be Named about why he hasn't started to pay 2007 state or federal taxes, the resulting tax penalty, and who's fault is it (the IRS, not mine!  SHOCKER!).  I prefer never to hear his voice again.
Nothing like the refreshing taste of regret and vomit in my mouth to start the week off right.

My Born Again Virgin Epiphany

Warning: I tried to construct this blog entry with some sense of order or reason, but there's no use.  Total stream of consciousness, and I went back and deleted ALL apostrophes just to piss off Nyx.  Oh, and if you dont want to hear about my sex life (or lack there-of) you can skip this one.

I was shocked to learn recently, that the standard deadline for being considered a "Born Again Virgin" is now at ONE YEAR.   I blame our overly sexualized media, but who cares whos fault this is....   WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE!!  I'm 32 years old and have loved sex since the first time I did it. I like good sex, bad sex, all sex... OK, that's not true.  Not all sex... I love all sex that is legal in ALL 48 of the contiguous states.  If you dont know what Im talking about, Im not saying anything more than "Ouch," you can figure it out. AND... I eventually hated sex with He Who Shall Not Be Named and decided to forego bikini waxes for an entire year just to gross him out enough to not want to have sex with me either.  Thats ok, because he found plenty of other people to have sex with, Im sure. Whatever, he was the most selfish lover Ive ever had.  5 years and I didnt have a single orgasm.  Seriously?  Not One? Sorry, dude, but it takes longer than 72 seconds for me to have an orgasm and a little bit of foreplay wouldnt have killed you either, you selfish piece of shit.  Hmmm, Im going off topic again. 

Back to the point, I dont want to be a virgin again!

 If you're a born again virgin, do you cry after the (second) first time?  Just wondering..

You know Demeter, the Super-Catholic is just REELING right about now, but hey, you want access to the blog, lady, then you keep your judgements to yourself.

Immediate action is required.... But Im not really in my 20s anymore and am looking for something a lot more meaningful.  Hmmmm, I need a boyfriend.  I need a GREAT boyfriend.  I need a boyfriend that worships the ground I walk on.  I need a boyfriend that always puts me first... These guys are out there, but they are hard to find.  You know where you CANT find them?  On your couch with your dog, Cerberus, watching design shows.  You have to put yourself out there, expose yourself to potential rejection... Yuck. I have a much better time finding a broken soul of a man that I think I can help or save.  Taking him into my life, falling in love with him, putting up with his BS, in one case MARRYING HIM, then leaving broken hearted.  That sux.  I dont want to do that anymore.  Honestly, Ive pushed myself away from the reality of dating so much, that I can visualize myself with someone in a dream world, but not in reality. Its not that i dont think I deserve it, because I truly know what a fantastic person I am, but I just dont think its possible.  THAT STATEMENT SCARES ME.  It scares my awesome therapist, the Oracle, as well.

I think this is where Aphrodite screwed me over, I misunderstood what she was saying... I always thought good-love was a guarantee to happen some time.  Its not.  Totally awesome people dont find good-love because they let their issues get in the way. I also dont want to be bitter and alone, that sure as Hell isnt me. I want to be Aphrodite the right way. 

Now the whole weight issue comes back into play, I dont really have the self-esteem right now to get myself a great man... trust me, its more the self-esteem than it is the appearance. The old cliche "no one will love you until you love yourself" BS is rediculously true. I hate it when everything I want to do in life comes down to one simple fucking action and/or explanation and YET I cant bring myself to do it. Lose the stupid weight, Athena. Its always been masking every issue you have, thats why its there. Dont half-ass it like you're doing now, do it all the way.

So, I take this as a challenge. Ive always done better with difficult challenges when I had a goal and/or deadline.  I dont want Themis' wedding to be a deadline, that has resulted in devastating results in the past (see post: the bridesmaid dress debacle).  I just need to keep this top of mind.  I think about it, then push it back down.  It needs to stay a focus.  A TOP focus.  I cant let issues with the DBB, work, etc let me lose focus.

BTW, Im not losing weight to get laid, thats just how I came to this random thought... and I should hope I get a little lovin' before Ive lost all the weight, too.  Seriously, a girl has needs.


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Burning Down My Family Tree

My oh so darling middle sister, Medusa, decided to take on the task of researching our family tree... she had the nerve to send out a chart of all of the relatives she so diligently tracked... along with their marital status, spouses and children listed.  (pause for the vomit coming up in my mouth) there he was... He who shall not be named.. and our marriage date... then a discreet (div) next to it.

DIV?  That's all I get for putting up with this piece of garbage and finally leaving him?  A discreet little (div)?   There are other 3 letter words that I think would be more appropriate... how about (ASS) or (Vile Creature of the Night Who Should Die of Gonnorhea and ROT IN HELL)... Hmmm, thats a little more than 3 letters..

Let it be known, that I think that divorces where children were not involved and evil trolls were spouses should be expunged from the records... Make it happen, Medusa.

Go West, young man!

Or young Athena... or not so young Athena...

So, I'm preparing for a roadtrip at the end of the month, heading west to Phoenix to watch Wrestlemania with the boy bestie, Hermes.  We'll discuss my bizarre interest in Wrestlemania in another post.  Typically, I would fly to any city over an 8 hour drive, but this trip is REALLY important to Hermes, and he has this whole Into the Wild mentality about it.  So the plan was for me to meet up with him in his city, drive 2 days out to Phoenix, do the Wrestlemania thing, and drive 2 days back.  Did I mention that Hermes forgets that I'm not a dude?  Fortunately, I've altered the plan a bit by scheduling a business trip in El Paso leading up to the big weekend, so I am skipping 1 day of the drive out.

I'm actually pretty excited for this road trip... I've been having visions of a very Thelma & Louise drive through the southwest.  Ok, minus the "murdering a man, fleeing the police, and driving off a cliff" part. UNFORTUNATELY, minus the "having sex with Brad Pitt in a Wild Turkey induced fit".  But JUST IN CASE that opportunity presents itself and we run into Brad Pitt's real-life counterpart, I'm definitely Thelma.  Hermes can be Louise.  Did I mention that I forget that Hermes IS a dude?  I kinda pissed him off last night when I told him of my Thelma & Louise visions, told him he was Louise and that I wanted to be able to listen to Pink and Indigo Girls on the drive out there. He laid down the hammer (pitched a girly fit) so I decided to tell him it was a big joke and that I can't wait to dial up the testosterone to 11 for this man-trip. I do wish we had a convertible for the drive, though.

In reality, I've decided to handle this the best way I know how... subtely manipulate the situation and get what I want (sorry, Hermes).   SO, I'm so super excited and REALLY want to buy a cowboy hat for the drive out... I also want to pick up turquoise jewelry while I'm out there.  Preferably from a flea market or a Native American street vendor  I want it to feel authentic, even if its made in China, they just need to lie to me. I may even get a pair of cowboy boots... and am stocking up on mini-bottles of Wild Turkey.

The Bridesmaid Dress Debacle

My ongoing struggle with my weight is rearing its ugly, bloated head... One of my best girlfriends, Themis, is getting married, and I adore the guy.  I adore my friend, too.  She's one of those girls you can tell anything to, and she won't judge, she won't hold it against you, she's just there for you no matter how stupid your decisions are.... with all of the stupid decisions I've made in my life, I'm sure she's felt that being my friend is a full-time job.
The point is, I'm happy for her.  I'm even more happy to stand up there in her wedding party as a bridesmaid.  So, here comes the tricky part.... I have bridesmaid dress issues with EVERY wedding I've ever been part of.  From my oldest sister's wedding 12 years ago, to my own (ill-fated) wedding just a few years ago.  Special occasions and special occasion dresses have brought me nothing but panic, misery and panic.

Here's a fun story.... lets take a trip down memory lane....

5 years ago my bestie married the love of her life at a beautiful beach wedding.  She had only 2 bridesmaids, myself and her sister.  My bestie has probably never worn more than a size 4 in her life, so she selected these cute bridesmaid dresses from J. Crew.  J.Crew is not overwhelmingly friendly to the non-anorexic.  But let's be honest here,  I had plenty of time to prepare and lose a few pounds to ensure that I would fit into the dang thing, but I didn't.  I procrastinated, and when I got the dress I realized that J. Crew's largest size (a 16) was like no other 16 I had ever seen.  I COULD NOT GET THE DRESS TO ZIP UP... as in NO WHERE CLOSE.  To make it worse, it's a destination wedding in Florida.  I have no resources in Florida and less than 72 hours to get an impossibly small dress onto my impossibly bloated body.  Seriously, Athena?  You suck. 

THIS is what J. Crew thinks the dress should look like (or the closest modern day version)

So, as I'm driving down to Florida 3 days before the wedding, chain smoking cigarettes and having panic attacks, I'm calling every dry cleaner with alterations that I can possibly 411.  10 minutes before 6:00pm, I pull into this rinky dink alterations place where this little Korean woman strips me down and sucks the sausage skin dress onto my body.  She snapped at me to stop crying so I didn't stain the dress, then asked me why I didn't lose the weight or why I didn't have it altered weeks ago.  How am I supposed to answer that?

"I'm a glutten for punishment and drama. you cruel, sadistic woman....IT'S WHAT I DO BEST!!!"

I leave the alterations place, with NO assurance from my Sadistic Alterations Czar that she would be able to take the dress out enough that I would even be able to zip it up to get down the aisle.  Panic. Tears. Panic.  Plan B.   I call my mom and Themis, both of whom are waiting at the hotel for me, and 'fess up... I need reenforcements.  Mom's recommendation? Tell the skinny bestie bride that I'm an irresponsible fatty and have been lying to her that I've tried on the dress and it looks "SO SUPER CUTE" and find another dress.  I don't take mom's advice, honesty at a moment like this would be CRAZY.  (it may have also been humiliating, but I would never admit that.  Instead, I convince myself that she needs to focus on her wedding and her day and my fat girl issues are my own problem.  I don't need to burden her).  So, I go on an intensive 72 hour, all water, all watermelon, all cigarette, all coffee diet, with the assistance of water retention pills.  I chugged and chugged and chugged the water up until the last day.  I must have peed every 45 minutes for 3 days straight.  Seriously, no effing around here. I don't think I ate a bite at the rehearsal dinner. 

The wedding day comes and it's time to pick up the dress from the Sadistic Alterations Czar and I am nearly hyperventilating.  I arrive.  I get naked.  I put on my Spanx (one size too small, just for some extra suckage) and put on the dress.  The.... zipper........ ZIPS UP.  I cannot breathe.  I cannot move.  I sure as Hell cannot sit.  But the damn dress is physically on my body and its just ever so slightly not obscene. 

As I depart from the Glorious Alterations Genius' quaint little shop, I leave her a rediculous tip and a big hug.  Little did she know, my plan C was to drive my car into a ditch conveniently hospitalizing myself for the ceremony, and miraculously recovering in time for the reception. Selfish, but necessary. I return to the hotel suite, with mom and Themis eagerly waiting for me.  I get my hair done, I get my makeup done, and then, with the help of mom, Themis and my Spanx, I get into the dress and zip that bitch up. I stood stick straight for pictures, walking down the aisle and through the ceremony.  No doubt, I looked like a stuffed sausage with a metal rod up my ass, but I made it through.  For the reception, my awesome mom whipped out an ivory pashmina and I was able to dance, smile and (finally) eat.  Sometime after the 4th glass of wine, the zipper busted open from crack to back, but who cares... it was under the pashmina...

At the end of the evening, mom and Themis had to peel the dress off of me and rip the zipper from its threading.  I had 2 bruises from where the dress was too tight.  I swore.... THIS IS IT.  THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM.  NEVER AGAIN.

Let's fast forward 5 years to today, where I would give my right leg to be anywhere near fitting into that dress again. I don't think I could put it on my right toe.  Oh, I saved the dress.  The moment was so incredibly humiliating... look at that busted out zipper...

I thought it would be such a victorious feeling to put that dress on over my skinny body and have it fall off of me... I'm still waiting on that victory.. So, I'm back in the boat, with 7 months before Themis's wedding... and I feel that feeling again... the panic.


How good would it feel to have a respectable size dress on with a respectable body?  More importantly, why can't I get over myself and just lose the weight already. 

I've hated my body for 22 years.  Isn't that long enough?

I need stronger Cabbage!!!!!

There is a tradition in Hades, where you hang a piece of fresh cabbage over each interior entrance of your home on New Year's Day, and leave it up for the entire year. This is supposed to bring you a year of financial prosperity! Awesome! I love financial prosperity! My cabbage has been hanging (and wilting) since 1/1/10.

As part of my employment compensation, I am eligible for an annual bonus of 10% of my salary.  "Eligible" does not equal "entitled to".  I know this; however, for the first half of the year we hit over 100% of our bonus requirements (wahoo!) so when the company waited and waited and waited to tell us what our second year payout contribution would be.. and I mean waited until 5 days before the payout... .I became concerned.  Unfortunately, for good reason.  23% of bonus for 2H.  23% Dont you think that it's possible that the Board over estimated our goals in order for us to fail so miserably?  So, my plans of buying a new PC, paying off a credit card and funding my super fun trip with the boy bestie, Hermes, later this month are pretty much smashed.I went to Sam's Club tonight to spend some bonus cash.


Here's what I was GOING TO buy with my bonus.                         

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..and what I could actually afford.....

Credit cards may not be paid off, I'll suffer through another 6 months without a decent PC... but the trip to Phoenix is still ON... and I'm drinking the wine which dulls my disappointment!